I thought I had beaten the blues and actually responded quite cheerfully while I was out for coffee the other day with a friend. She had read my first blog where I came out of the closet as a Christmas grinch. Well not a grinch exactly just a deflated elf. She asked how it was going this year.
Surprised , I answered , good, quite happy really , no problems. It was true. I hadn’t given the season a thought other than buying a few gifts here and there and doing some baking , which is a self defeating occupation ; I have baked and eaten the Christmas bark three times. The fourth batch might make it though the next three weeks.
I was taken off guard with the question about my annual blues. And I was very pleased. Perhaps this year I would get through without a tear………
Then today I heard a carol that set the water works aflow. Tears streamed down my face as I gave myself permission to mourn the people who are not going to be with me ever again for Christmas. One new one this year is my childhood friend who died about eight months ago. I remembered her standing outside my door in her snowsuit , mittens and boots. Large snowflakes alighted on her head , nose, eyelashes. She stuck out her tongue to catch them. She was about seven and it was the first snowfall. “Come out. It’s snowing!” Her enthusiasm was compelling and I rushed to get my suit on just to spend ten minutes in our magic kingdom of the first snowfall.
The memory is bitter sweet. So many memories. I should collect them and get comfort from them. But I find my heart grows heavy with the wanting them back again. Or maybe it is just that I would like to share the memories with the people who were in them. That is the sad part.
My “coffee “friend lost her mom only a few weeks ago. She will have her moments too this season.
The only really bright light in this time of the year is in the luminescence of my grand children, especially my grand daughter who is four . Her enthusiasm brings back the memory of the magic of Christmas. Today she had to make a snow angel in a mere dusting of snow that covered our deck. Barely enough to swish into a design but she managed. And I was happy watching her and thinking how wonderful it is to be young and untouched by heartache. If I could grant one wish for us all it would be to have her imagination and joy.