Why can’t I be filled with the joy of the season? Why is it that it is the saddest time of the year for me? A glittery foil covered ornament that reminds me of childhood days brings tears to my eyes. Silent Night or Oh Holy Night arouses the memory of my father who has been gone for over twenty years. And I ache to have him here with us again. It is expected that one be happy smiley and filled with wonderment when Christmas arrives. And there are no doubt many people who absolutely love Christmas. I wish I were one. But to be honest I feel very sombre and quite emotional as the holiday gets closer. Am I alone in this?
For me there is a lot of pressure to do things that do not come naturally to me. I am not , for example , a shopper. I hate to shop for myself and am even more averse to shopping for an appropriate gift for someone else. And I do not want gifts that are bought in a store. The best gift a person can give me is the pleasure of their company and the assurance that they are enjoying my company as well. I am needy. I need to feel appreciated and loved. And gifts by themselves do not do it for me.
This year my only grandchild will have her first Christmas where she is aware of Santa Claus, presents, trees and all the commercial lore that comprises the event. I am hoping that I will ,through her, experience the magic that has become a vague memory to me.